I included no commentary on the letters between TT and I in the Article, Letters to and From the Bartow County Jail, because I feel the letters themselves are self-explanatory. Another post, “She called me Daddy’ written in May 2009 ( I can prove that is the date if you like) sheds light on my state of mind after you so abruptly dismissed me. My mental state was horrible enough when you insisted that our relationship was a fantasy in 2008, injured again when you and TT conspired against me in the conference call incident, became worse when I came to your physical defense with Jeff, and was utterly destroyed when after Easter 2009, you again went back to Jeff.
It doesn’t matter that you had good reasons for all your actions, what matters is that you made me aware of the emptiness of my life, and then fled, leaving that void. I fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you, but had no idea how or why or what that meant. I just knew you were what I wanted, you had what I wanted, a family to love and cherish. I have admitted in other correspondence that our relationship would have been a disaster, and I have acknowledged my total lack of understanding, at that time, of the meaning of “love” within the context of our relationship.
When I came to your aid the night of your accident, I told you I had these written lyrics, “I have marriage on my mind, you have divorce on yours.” When you arrived back from the hospital, I was in a hopeful mood, wanting so much to tell you what your love meant to me. You, without hesitation, attacked me, excoriating me over my “relationship” with Trista, and you stated quite frankly that you did not feel the same way about me as you once did.
In that moment, all illusion was vanquished, all hope ended. I realized that you no longer loved me, and apparently never would again. That liberating act set me free to explore who I really am, and also, to discern if my actions with Trista were in retaliation, or directed in anger, at you.
I suddenly had to confront my anger, which is substantial toward you, and allowed that such as you alleged was possible. Your calm cold allegation was that I had somehow played Trista to get at you, hurt you; and perhaps in doing so had hurt Trista.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I despaired of you, of the loss of your love in the month’s following Easter 2009. It’s true I had, while her roommate, desired to sleep with TT, but not to hurt or punish you, but because she is a very beautiful woman. The fact is I became her roommate to be near to you. Was I foolish in thinking that, yes. I had hoped that you would find moments when you would slip over and we would make love. It never happened; well once, when I furtively, hurriedly went down on you, right before Christmas 2008. I can not tell you how bittersweet that moment was, because all you gave me was your body, not your heart, and I knew it. I hated myself for whoring you, I still find it pitiable that I would allow you to take such measure of me as to make me just another fuck.
Easter came, you ex was gone, so I thought, the lease was over, TT was shacking up with the flavor of the year, and I met your family. The Easter egg hunt, the dinner in big building, all your relatives, I thought you had changed your mind, but as I think back on it, you didn’t act like I was anyone special to your family, I was just a friend. What must they have thought of me, if they thought anything at all.
TT called me that May, she was upset with Brett; we talked for a long time. I didn’t talk to her again until just before Christmas, 2009. During our conversation, she actually said she needed to get pregnant to have someone to take care of her. I latter realized she was asking me if I wanted to be the father, but I didn’t understand, and I was angry because she had hidden her relationship with Brett from me, even as I tried to help her the previous fall.
That night, the night you came home from the hospital, the night I held your children, put them to bed, cleaned your kitchen, cleaned your room; the night I thought you might finally realize what you meant to me, you called me when in need; the night after the day, the weeks, you were sleeping with Mark, a man you told me “I don’t love Mark,” that night you savaged me.
You brought up the fact that I saw Trista at work dancing nude, that I gave her money, that I wanted to take her home, all of which was true, but not to fuck her! First, she invited me to come see her, and, second, and this is hurtful, she is awful, she is awkward and stiff, and holds the pole like a pillar. She couldn’t dance worth a damn. She didn’t know I was there for an hour watching her, feeling sorry for her, and when the rednecks started pandering after her, and when I knew full well she needed the money, I did pay her to dance, over a $100, but I never once desired her, or wanted to fuck her, or do anything but drive her home, and encourage her to find other work. She was dancing at a cheap dive, she was pretty enough to make money, but she had no real talent or taste for dancing nude.
And as far as wanting her, wasn’t you who said to me she was one of two women you’d do, and wouldn’t a threesome be interesting. Or have you forgotten that? The other was some dark-haired girl in your class.
When I next spoke to Trista, she and Brett had broken up, she was pregnant, and she needed help. She called me, and I responded, and spent the afternoon with her and Ashley, and I told her to turn herself in to the sheriff, the fat ass who lived in stone gate, and who was also at the strip club, along with another cop, the night I watched her dance. She didn’t want to surrender until after Christmas so she could spend Christmas with Summer. I gave Ashley gas money and didn’t hear from Trista again. Ashley called me several days before I wrote Trista the first letter.
Then, it got interesting. I had been working on my daddy/husband skills, really putting myself through the wringer, hoping, with God’s help to find a family to love, to care for, to be with, and suddenly there was Trista, pregnant with a child that could have been mine, and here I was on my knees praying to God to find my way. Read her letters to me, she said she loved me, she said it convincingly, she shared her hopes and fears. I put $50 on her books every few weeks, I hired her a lawyer, $1500, and worked to mitigate her punishment for shoplifting with Brett at 6 flags. I arranged to buy a Town and Country van for her, even worked out payments with a private seller and put a $1000 down, and to what purpose? She laughed! She wouldn’t drive a fuddy-duddy old van! I lost half the down payment, and I realized that her affections were fickle; still, I cared for her in jail, and if she had wanted me, I would have married her, I would have been happy to help her become the woman she could be, and raise those kids just like I was their biological dad, with love and tenderness and deep affection.
But I can’t compete with the alcoholic mother who wanted to fuck me first night she met me; the tentacled moma Esther who holds her children way too close, the needy relatives, the numberless cousins, the fast doped crowd, and most of all, you. She wouldn’t betray you. She couldn’t do it. After all, you told me how she said she’d never fuck me, or marry me, but you knew why, she and you had talked about it. Everyone gave her advice, not that old man! Not Bull!, He’s weird, he’s stuck-up, he’s crazy. None of you even knew, or did you know, that for a little while, just a little while, she could have fallen in love with me.
I never did anything to hurt you, I respect you, admire you, but Marhonda, you don’t want a man, you won’t let anything that is attracted to you hold you because you have to be in control, you have all the answers. Well, guess what, so did I, and look what it got me..
A tee-shirt that says “I’m one of many Marhonda lovers”
Trista and you can both go to hell, I’ll get there first and save y’all a seat. Damn, actually you’ll both go to heaven and I will go to hell…
One other thing, so you can gloat, I’ll never get over you, and I’ll never stop loving you, but what the hell does that matter to you.
Oh yes, I would have been happy making a family with Trista, I would have read the Bible every night, and prayed with her, and made crazy love to her, got up with Summer & Blaine when they were sick, brought her breakfast in bed every day, and had more kids with her and worked at making an honest living…and in time, I would have come to love her just as much as I love you, but apparently I don’t even deserve such happiness.
And now I will watch you from afar, proud to know you, praying to the God you know exists, that He watch over you, and bring you His peace and fulfillment. I want nothing but happiness for you, and I truly hope you’ll find it. God Bless you, God keep you, He and I have such hopes for your future. You are remarkable, special, and ever so dear to me.
Selah
It was not true