Life as Fiction

Why must revelation come in waves? No sooner is a thing written, than a new truth, be it recollection, be it revelation, springs forth.

I realize that I have not lost being with you, I have never been with you. We made love, but do you realize the man you are sleeping with wakes up where I never did, in your bed! He wakes up to your breath, to your body, to your bedroom, to your kids leaping up on to the comforter? Does he wear pajamas? Does he help get the children ready for school? Does he fix breakfast?  Does he do all these things when you stay in his home?

Yes, I stayed the night several times, but only to protect you from your ex-husband. Once even to awaken to his body looming over mine in the dark and to grapple with him, and send him away. I have never shared your bed as your lover, never as your lover. Never as a man you thought to tell the children, to explain to them about your needs.

Good god, I am the interloper! I have it all wrong, don’t I. I think of having be married to you, when you have never even thought of it, have you? Did you think of me as your ex, your ex boyfriend, ex boss, ex man? It’s all to much to think about.

I am “clouds in your coffee,” thank you, Carol King, I know of what you were singing now.

Wow, I feel a little foolish; I’ve been dreaming a little dream of you, “dream a little dream of me” too?  Wish you were the “Mama of the Mamas and me the Papa of the Papas” Well, not Mama Cass, but Michele Phillips…you and she have in turn been my dream girls!

I can see clearly now. (thanks, Johnny Nash) Is it possible that I was never real to you, just a fairy tale champion jousting at your dragons?  Don’t think I’m complaining, you are a lady fair and I would wear your colors. call me Sir Lancelot, Lady Genvieve.  Call me adulterer and muscle and oh yes, old number seven! I just flashed! Now the rain is gone,  “who”ll stop the rain” is a great movie, Nick Nolte, and of course, the song by CCR, that’s Creedence Clearwater Revival

He’s lucky beyond believe. I hope he treasure’s you as I do, Hell, how could he not.

Is it time yet?

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Am I fated as James Blunt sings in the last stanza:

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Is it time?  Please say no…

 

Have I become a stalker? Am I doomed to live a life controlled by an unconcerned other? Can it be that I am obsessed with the object of my affection, even as she is quite over me?

Earlier today, I found myself driving down familiar roads, south onto the Miller Highway, left on 108 to Waleska, past the College, through the four way stop, winding past lake Arrowhead, then up and right onto the dark black strips of asphalt called SR20. It’s a road I’ve driven hundreds of times, and today, I was on the way to an appointment in my adopted hometown of Cartersville, GA., scheduled for 11AM. Another follow-up appointment in my lengthening encounter with Social Security Insurance.

The natural course of the SR20 would take me near, not past the home of the woman I love. No, she’s no stranger, no one I saw in a Starbucks and followed out the door, no I spied walking out of Ingles, or at the Cartersville Family Medical Clinic – we both have the same doctor-no, she no stranger at all. And yet we are estranged, separated by age and culture, and by my cruel antics.  Even though she has told me she no longer “felt the way she did,” and even though I stand in the convicted of treachery and have been offered no reprieve, I can not stop being in love with her. Even though I think my attentions do her no good.

Last week, I again tried to free her from the shipwreck I have become. I swore to myself to let her be, to let her find her own path, to take a road “not yet traveled,” to journey on without me. Last night, I sent her a message on facebook, not a public comment, but a private message, and God, did I intensely dislike my weakness in doing so. ” I miss you terribly?”  What does that mean to someone who is over you, what does that say about my mental state. I, the alpha male, the Bull, whimpering, in confused pain.  I regretted sending that message, I regretted her reading it, I want never again to be a cause of her pain. I must get over this obsession, this magnificent obsession, this feeling everyone has told me existed, but of which I have never truly understood, this place where I now dwell; this storm and thunder!

And so, from the far right lane heading south on SR20, I recklessly cut across traffic and aim down a peaceful country lane which will take me within view of her house, even as it takes me to my appointment.  I swore last night, and again over and over this morning, in the car, on the road, that I would no do this, that I would not take the Springs road, not cut onto Center, not go by her home. I lied to myself and I am disappointed. I pretend that she cares, that seeing me would upset her in a wonderful way, that after missing seeing me for a week and a half, she’ll forgive me, welcome me back into her life. Ha! That’s not who she is, and all the more I love her for seeking her own way, even though I think she is wrong.

A knot tightens in my stomach. maybe he’s still there. Maybe the best man in her life is still waking up to her treasure, to a perfect life. What if I am seen by them, what if she unfriends me on Facebook! Would it be a blessing not to look at her picture every day, not to press a kiss against the screen, not to wish I was David, writing Psalms to a listening God, begging for redemption. I hold steady to the wheel, as I approach her home. I force myself to look straight ahead, but no: Why me god, why don’t I deserve her-don’t answer that, I know why…

Am I a stalker, deranged by love’s delusions? Why can I not look away from the windows behind which is hidden heaven. I would not ever hurt that which I love the most, but yet every day I sin against God; why is loving her different. Why do I fear hurting her; not physically, but in some other way, as I have obviously done by painfully inflicting on her an air of indifference, an apathy to what she once, she said, loved. If only I could believe that she no longer loves me, when she coolly looks at me as if I were a distant memory, if only I did not search for that glimmer of recognition, that welcome smile, that woman’s light that warms the true love’s heart.

I do not see it. I betrayed her, at least in her mind. She must have fallen out of love. Why do I care anymore? Why do I seek what is lost?

Because I fear I will never find it again.

I do not see her out in the yard, or in the driveway. Its Thursday, perhaps she’s sleeping late. I pass by the house, and I pass out of her unknown life. His car isn’t there. Maybe they argued. Maybe he proposed, maybe she is beginning to love him as I love her. Maybe baby she’ll be true. Maybe she is happy, or well on the way to becoming satisfied and peaceful and content. You see, I don’t know what she wants or needs. This essay is all about me and if I really new how to love her, if I really  understood what it means to love her, I would be writing her story now as we live it.

I am not a stalker after all. I am, as always, a fool alone .

 

 

 

Once you abandon God, expect no mercy! It is important to understand that abandonment does not mean disbelief or disavowal, it simply means that you have exercised the gift of the tree of knowledge, free will, to your own purpose. God would have you chose, in faith and consciousness, the way He knows is best for you. What folly is it for God to think He knows what’s best for us; we are, after all, created in His image and likeness. The correspondents below have dealt with good and evil, one is good, the other …?

Did God make women mothers so that they could sin, but never be evil? Adam envied Eve’s innocence and thought to share in it with his bite. He knew it was evil to eat from the tree of knowledge; she knew only it was sin! I have never understood whether it is the womb, the tree of life, that protects women from the evil that men know; women sin, but are seldom, if ever evil; when their actions appear evil, they are always emulating an evil learned from men.

18 January 2010

Dear Trista,

I tried to visit you yesterday, but was told you were on “disciplinary” hold, and couldn’t see visitors. I heard last Wednesday from a friend, Angie, that you were arrested last week-end; she saw your name in the newspaper.

I would like to visit you on Sunday, 24 January, 2010. I remain your friend, and hope you will see me. I want you to write me, as soon as possible, and tell me your situation; do you need commissary funds; the status of your probation case; how long will you be confined; and do you have counsel for the Six Flags case?

I was informed that you could ask for a Bible, and they would give you one. Trista, every fear you have, all the anger you have, all the pain you feel, all are answered and relieved by the Word of God and the love of Jesus Christ. God loves you Trista, God will heal you, and give you the strength to be the woman, the wife and the mother I know you will be!

Jesus will forgive your sins, if you ask, and He will be your Hero… Forgive yourself, love yourself as HE loves you and you will be the mother of Summer and your unborn child that they deserve, that the Good Lord wants you to be.

How is your pregnancy going? I know you feel a lot of pressure; if you want to talk about it…I’ll listen.

From the moment I saw you in the movie theater I knew you were something special. Watching you care for and love summer, I saw your true heart. You need to pray to find that woman, that kind, loving soul, and live her life, your life! Celebrate who you really are, accept the gifts God has given and turn away from foolish sinful people and wicked, stupid ways. But you already knew that…

I’m not much of a preacher, but I am a sinner, and I know how easy it is to fall from God’s grace. I think about you and pray for you every day, and have since I first met you. I pray that summer, your unborn child, and all your children will know you as you were meant to be… a gift from the Good Lord to them, to your family, to all who know you.

Life has not been kind to you, you’ve made choices that reflect what you felt you had to do, but you have always known what you should do. Open you eyes, Trista, open your heart, trust Jesus, know Jesus.

If a fool like me, a sinner like me, can feel His love and find the strength to change, so can you. You haven’t known me long enough to see the change in me, but I have changed for the better…and I hope to change even more, with God’s help.

Trista, I don’t know if my words comfort you, I don’t know what you think of me, but what I do know is that you wrote “God is my hero”…and it was your faith that drew me to you. Trust in God, read His words, Listen to Him as he speaks to your heart. And know that I love you, I care about you, I will always be your friend.

Write back and tell me what I can do to help you.

Take Care and Trust God,

Bull

 

01/28/10

Bull,

Hey! How are you? I’m okay considering where I am. I’m ready to start over. I really appreciate everything you have done & you are continuing to do for me. Thanks so much!! I hope everything is resolved with Cobb County, I hope I can take care of it when I get out instead of while I’m in here! That letter you sent me was really inspiring. I read out of my bible everyday. I do a bible lesson and I do a chapter in psalms & proverbs. You’re the only person who has written me. Hey any news on my car? Do you have it, I hope so. I’m gonna need it. It’s crazy I’m gonna have two kids now. I told Ashley to make sure Summer is at every visitation to see me. She brought her Wednesday. It was a good visit. She didn’t cry, that made me feel good. God I miss her so much! They are gonna let me out April 10th at Midnight. I told Ashley to be up here to get me. They won’t let me out unless someone is here to get me. Thank you so much for the money on my books. I don’t know what I would do without you. I do a lot of praying! It’s hard in here Bull. You know Summer has always been with me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My heart is broke! The food in here sucks & I’m tires of all these females. Moma’s been working all the time and hasn’t been up here to see me yet. But I will be okay as long as I see Summer every visitation. I mostly pray for Summer to be okay without me for this time I gotta be away. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms. That guy that was at visitation the other day, Levi, he’s a friend. He’s only like 20 or 21. He stays in trouble, Anyway, I see all these people coming in after me & leaving before me, It’s depressing. I want to go home & be with Summer. I want to maybe get an apartment or something eventually when I get out & get a job. I probably can get one at this telemarketing place even with me being pregnant.  I’ve been trying to call yours and Ashley’s phone, but I guess you haven’t got paytel time on them. You can come see me again if you would like. Just get in touch with Ashley & make sure she’s bring Summer. Come on a Wednesday cuz I know moma won’t be able to come on Wednesday because of work. Speaking of work how are you? How’s life treating you? Judy, the lady that came over during our visitation & was saying Hey to Summer, she said that you looked good.  Just thought I would let you know that. She helps me out a lot. We do a lot of praying together. She’s good people. I’ve got a select few friends in here & she’s my #1 friend. I feel I can talk to you about anything. I know your always there to listen. I see Brett every once in a while. All my feelings for him are gone! Him & his family had me put here & I resent them for that. I’ve forgiven them but I stand at a completely different level with them now. Well, I’m gonna go for now, write me back!!

I love you!

Trista

P.S. let me know what Cobb County Court said. ( ___________is the address that they need to get a hold of me after I get out!

Try to get a continuance after April 11th!

3 February 2010

Dear Trista,

I really enjoyed our visit Sunday. I also enjoyed seeing Summer and your momma. I got your letter Monday, you’re right, you did cover everything in our visit!

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you being separated from Summer. I know she misses you terribly, but she is surrounded by people who love her, and you’re not. I know that life difficult for you in confinement, but the opportunity to start fresh without probation hanging over your head must be worth the time you are serving. You should try hard to accept that the choices you have made in the past may not have been the right ones. Trista, you have free will, and that means that you are responsible for your life, and the effect that your behavior has on your life, but…

Just as importantly, your choices affect Summer, and your unborn child. Your choices, those you have made, can either be a memory that Summer really won’t remember, that your baby will never know, or they will both grow up feeling helpless and at times abandoned.

I read your letter and I read the words of an intelligent, educated and articulate woman. I am willing to bet that you are brighter, smarter than either of your children’s fathers…I believe that you are someone who was so damaged in adolescence that you really don’t believe that you are beautiful in heart and soul, beautiful in spirit, and good through and through. You need to start over inside, deep in your heart, and let Jesus heal you. Nothing in the past can keep you from being born again in the flesh if you are born again in the spirit. You can not only be free of your pain, but you can forgive those who sinned against you, you can forgive them as Jesus forgives you.

You have a vitality, a gift of life, a strength, that can overcome your pain, your deep hurt. You have a loving heart, and gentle disposition, I see the goodness in you as you hold Summer; I see the pain in your eyes when I look deep into them, an old pain, and I see fear. I am not saying that you are not strong, but I am saying that your “toughness” doesn’t come from strength but from weakness, from pain and fear.

You natural strength comes from your heart, from the gifts God has given you, the ability to love your children as you wanted to be loves as a child. People have come and gone in your life, but you have stayed good in your heart, people have hurt you; some cruelly, some just by leaving you alone, but you have stayed good, you have not lost your innocence before God, you love God, you are His child, turn to Father now for strength and grace, and seek His will.

To be reborn in the flesh you must die in the flesh. Give up your old foolish ways. Give up your fear, open up your heart to His will and you will find the path that will lead you to earthly happiness and eternal life. The new Trista will be strong and willing to live a Godly life. Your strength and will power and desire to live as a follower of Jesus will bring you to true happiness, and your children will grow in your love and God’s love and grace.

Looking in your eyes, I see that strong yet gentle woman, I see your wildness tamed, but still remaining, your desire to live and love without fear realized and your strength and will to succeed fulfilled with achievement and accomplishment.

Look to the Lord for direction, He will give you the family you have always wanted and needed, He will bless you with the life you deserve, He will open the doors to an abundant life.

I have spent a lifetime turning away from God, sinning against Him in many wicked ways, prideful of my strength and manliness. I never needed anyone, I never really loved anyone. I just used them to get through the day, through so many days, months and years. I defied the will of my Creator, and the sacrifice of my Redeemer. I had many good moments, but nothing lasted, nothing remains but me. Learn from my mistakes. I never knew the happiness that must come from trusting someone, loving someone, walking with them through life.

You are reborn in the blood of His sacrifice, let the Lord guide you, let your heart grow in love and your spirit in faith.

I was called by God to preach, can you tell? But the flesh called stronger, and I fell. You are young and good and kind and beautiful, listen to His call, follow His will, and you will never fall again, you will stumble, but you will not fall. You and yours will be His! Could anything you become of your will be better than being God’s child?

Now for the news:

Your arraignment is scheduled for March 19th in Judge _______________ Court, State Court. The case will be handled by Melissa Rise. Her telephone number is 770-______. As it stands, you will be brought from Bartow County for arraignment. I am advised that this is the best course, if you plead out guilty, for you to be sentenced to time served…and then you’d be returned to Bartow County to complete your sentence for probation violation. I’ll put some time on the pay phone as the date draws nearer so you can talk to the Court.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you want to plead out for time served? If the ADA won’t accept a plead for time served, do you want to plead not guilty and have an attorney provided? Think about what’s best and let me know.

Next, about your furnishings at Brett’s. You don’t need to make any deals…I have the serial number of the TV. You need to make a complete list of all your things there, and if you want I will go with you, and the law if necessary, to recover them. What I am saying to you, is why bargain with the devil? You don’t need to trade your furniture for a free pass for Brett, unless you want to.

We can recover your things and justice can be done. It’s your decision, but let me add this…you are doing your time because of him and his family, shouldn’t he do his for what he did to you? You can tell where I stand, but of course it’s your decision.

Finally, again, don’t worry about a car…you will have “something” small and fuel efficient when you are released.

Keep reading His word and trust in Jesus,

God bless you and keep you and yours safe from all harm.

Bull

 

02/04/10

Bull,

Hey! I got your letter today & I’m okay with going to court on the 19th of march. I’m not to crazy about going to Cobb County jail though, I’m kind of scared. When you go to Court in another county most of the time you loose your bunk & there isn’t ant telling on how long I will stay down there before they bring me back. I wish they would bring me to court and straight back to Bartow County so I can leave my stuff here & I won’t loose my bunk & have to sleep on the floor.I’m just gonna put it in God’s hands. All I want to do is make sure they come and get me & don’t get a bench warrant on me and if possible be there in Court also. What time is court that day? I will be more that happy to plead guilty if I get time served. That’s what I’m gonna do. I try not to worry so much but its hard sometimes. Prey the come get me & I get time served & they hurry up & bring me back to Bartow to finish my three months on probation violation. Oh & about my stuff, okay, all I want is my stuff back- my bed & all my pictures & my scrap book, stuff of everything since summer was born, Summer’s furniture- Everything!!!! About the car – thank you so much!! I hope that something is not that bad though. I appreciate you & what you do for me!!!

This girl in here got a bench warrant the other day because Cherokee County didn’t come get here & they knew she was here. (“PLEASE GOD, DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN 2 ME!”) Bartow County is not responsible for bring me to Cobb County, Cobb County is responsible for coming to get me so I pray they do there part & come get me.

I love Summer & I already love my unborn child!!

I know…. I am a worry wart. God is working on me hard! I am in my Bible every night. I try to sleep all day& stay up reading at night, its more peaceful. Sleeping makes my time go by faster!!! Oh, I will be so glad to get out of here & hold Summer & go out to eat. Please take me out to eat when I get out.

Please find if I can plead out & get timed served. I need to get that junk over with & get back here at Bartow & finish my time & come home.

HOME SWEET HOME

Well, I’m gonna go now its 1AM & I’m gonna read some more of my book, I’m reading “Twilight”, an awesome book & I will be expecting to hear back from you.

W/B/S

I love you….

All my (heart) –Trista

I (heart) Summer!!

P.S. I now everything you wrote me is true & I consider my life already changed for the best.

 

2010-02-10

Dear Trista:

I was wonderful to see you Sunday. I actually had arrived and registered for the first visit, but when they called the roll, your name wasn’t called. The deputy told me the folks in the line in front of me were the last there was room for…I had held the front door for them and they would up being the last called. Missed it by one. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished!

You looked great. I must compliment you on your natural hair color, of course, you are a beautiful blond, but I really thought you were too smart to be one! Its so beautiful now and so long…you are gorgeous. I know its difficult on you, but your stay hasn’t affected your beauty. You’re beginning to show, and that’s so sweet. I know God has given your unborn child the best mother she/he could ever had, I just wish God would do better by the fathers.

I imagine that you still have feelings for Brett, hey, that’s normal, he is the father, and you loved him enough to get pregnant. You need to keep praying to the good Lord to let you have a fresh start, a new beginning, for you and the children. Remember, He answers prayers.

I had a real disappointment yesterday, I had had two good interviews with Pilot Truck stops, but they told me yesterday I didn’t get the job. They said it was difficult, but they went another way… I’ll keep looking, and working my businesses; I really would like medical/dental insurance and other benefits. I am praying something will break right soon.

About your furniture and other things, legally, you have every right to them, but given the circumstances, you should notify him, and who ever is looking after his house, in writing that you would like to recover them as soon as is practicable…when you are released or sooner if need be. If anyone removes anything or damages anything, he would be responsible for replacing it…but only if you notify him. I am not trying to create friction or cause you worry, you know what you are doing (most of the time) but you have nice things and you deserve them. Its just like the boob doctor, your letter protected you and your interest.

Summer looked so pretty, Rosa says she looks just like you at that age. Bet your next little one will be beautiful too. And the one after that, and the one…ha ha!

I deposited $50 Sunday so you should be good for a while. I’m not sure I can come on the 14th, Momma’s church, the Church of the Apostles, is having a Valentine’s Day dinner for all the widows. Take good care of yourself, love God, and pray for His grace and blessings. You are a fine woman, a wonderful mother, and I am proud to be your friend.

Bull

 

02/18/10

I miss Summer!

Bull-

Hello! Hope this letter finds you happy & smiling. I would like to start of by saying thank you very much for the valentine’s day card. That was sooo sweet. I wasn’t expecting a card from anyone. But you put a big smile on my face.  Our block didn’t get visitation Sunday (valentine’s day. We got in trouble for not having our full uniform on at 8:00 AM, the morning before valentine’s day. Yeah it’s crazy sometimes or should I say most of the time when they take our few privileges we have. Anyways….Have you heard anything else from Cobb County? I’m ready to get that over with and plea out for timed served. Bull I know I always stress this out & say it a lot but I want to thank you for everything you do for me & for being a very good TRUE friend. I know one thing for certain you have a life long true friend in me. I will always (no matter what) be here for you just like you have been for me. I really mean that too! There may come a time one day long down the road that you may need me for anything & trust & believe I will be here for you. I love you Bull !!!!

Well….It’s 2AM & I’m getting tired so I’m gonna go so I can send this in the mail in the morning.

-(heart) Always-

Trista

 

2010-02-24

Dear Trista:

It was so good to see you Sunday. You are looking so beautiful, some women are blessed By God with a beauty and grace that is magnified when they are with child, you definitely are one of the blessed! You carry yourself so easily and with such poise. Trista, you are a woman of softness and strength, and it is a beautiful thing to see you being this way, even in your confinement. I know you are special, and I believe that if you trust and love the Lord, you will fulfill the promise that God has given you and truly be happier and more satisfied in the grace of the Holy Ghost, doing the Lord’s work, which is to be the very best person you can be, and raising your children to love and fear the Lord.

After all, whenever we love, truly love, we fear. We fear the loss of that love, we fear betrayal, we fear disappointment, and we fear failure. We even fear pleasure, for we fear it will end. If I could give you one gift, it would be that of courage, to believe in yourself and the love of Jesus Christ so much that you would never fear again, never want again, never doubt that you are a chosen child of God, and with God’s help, you can do anything!

Believe in Jesus Christ, He died for my sins; He died for your sins, and for the sins of Summer and your unborn child. Twice now you have chosen, of your own free will, to be the giver of life, now you must choose to live, truly live your life! Your life should be free of fear and worry and stress; you must have faith in Jesus, you need not worry, God will provide for you. Jesus is ready to help you find peace, contentment and satisfaction.

When you walk out of jail free, without the fear of violating probation, remember this, Why should you ever again do those things that offended the law and the Lord in the first place? Of course we are all sinners, but that doesn’t mean we are criminals. You never have to spend another hour in confinement, not now, not with your children, not with your spouse. Live in faith, live with belief in goodness, with the blessings of faith in Jesus Christ. Accept the fact that no one is strong enough to resist temptation and despair except they accept the saving grace and love of Jesus. Here’s a tip, advice from an old repentant sinner: Don’t ask yourself (as so many do) What would Jesus do?… because we can’t always do what Jesus would do, because Jesus was perfect and we are not…No, instead ask yourself ”What should I do for Jesus?”

As for me, I am so far from perfect, my sins were so great…that I seldom did what Jesus would have done, in fact, I am certain that He could not have done as I did!

It has taken a lifetime for me to understand that my sins really are forgiven, that I really can chose to follow my Savior, not just to the cross, but to the gifts of God for the people of God, and those gifts are revealed to us when we ask “What should I do for Jesus” He will never fail you, He will always be with you, His divine love will always comfort you.

When I ask Jesus, He tells me “Ask me in prayer what you can do for me, how you can glorify my name, and I will show you” And I read the Word, the Holy Bible, and my precious Lord shows me what to do.

I do not believe that following Christ means that enjoying life’s pleasures is over. I do not believe that love and passion are wrong, but I do believe that they are best when blessed by God. When strong and true love binds two people together that is so much a greater passion, so much a stronger love, that the two can become one, bound together from the blessing of God, and hope of fulfillment in spirit and flesh.

Trista, I’ve never know that special union, when two become one, like wedding rings locked together, separate but equal, each unique, but together greater than each alone.

My hope for you is that you will know this state of grace, this special union; for I know you are the equal of any man, and the mother of precious children. You must seek your Christian husband; you must give yourself to Jesus and ask Him how you should live to please Him, and I promise He will show you the way, for He is the Way, the Truth and the Light.

Trista, I am connected to you by God’s love. I must confess to you that I have desired you since seeing you in the movie theater. When I was told that you were an entertainer, I assumed you were like so many dancers I had met, willing to trade a good time for favors. I had no idea of the pain, the spiritual pain, your life had caused you; I had no idea of the goodness of your heart or the love you showered on your child, Summer, or your desire for a better, safer, happier life. I am so sorry for not seeing you as a child of God, I am so sorry for my contemptible behavior. I apologize to you again from the bottom of my heart for my lust and stupidity.

I was so struck by shame, shame before God, after I showed you that lascivious photograph, after I saw the pain and confusion on your face…after I realized that I had misjudged you and dishonored you and disrespected you. I have seldom felt so small and cruel and stupid, I felt like a fool. My shame led me, a proud and worldly man, a sinner and a fornicator, back to the love of Jesus, and that night I asked forgiveness from the Lord, and asked Him to heal me so that I might serve him and follow his way. The Lord opened my eyes and my heart, to brought me to a true love of you, and a knowledge that somehow I should find a way to help you overcome your fears and accept the Love of Jesus and follow His Way.

When you needed a roommate, I stepped in. I hoped somehow that I could bring peace to you, and to me. I grew to admire you more, and understand more of your needs, but as you friend, I failed to understand you. My mixed emotions, my desire to do good, and my attraction to you, worked to cancel each other out. I could not keep you from doing things that seemed to me self destructive; I wanted to give you the Word, but I could not free myself from the world.

I did a very poor job of helping you see how good you are, of encouraging you to believe in yourself; if I were your guardian angel, I would not have earned my wings, but then, I am no angel! Although I am old enough to be one!

This is a difficult time for me, my income is still unsteady, though improving, and I am battling the demons of lust and want, and stretched thin across a number of needs, all of whom are God’s children. But more than anything my heart of heart yearns for your happiness, for your fulfillment. You are so much more than a diamond in the rough, your eyes sparkle with the light of God; I see it when I look into your eyes. Ask and He will show you His Will, He will show you His Way, He will show you his love.

I am no Bible thumping hypocrite; I love life, and laughter, joy and pleasure, all the gifts of God for his people. Were I stronger, I might choose again to preach; when I was younger I left the seminary, I left my calling to chase the idols of the flesh. I turned my back on the call of Jesus to follow Him. Still, I am chosen, and I see that you are among the chosen, those whom Jesus called “His”. In John 17:9, The Lord prays not for the world, but for those His father gave Him.

You are one of those gifts from the Father to the Son; you are one of His chosen. Don’t despair of your sin, but rejoice in your gifts from Jesus: Summer and the new life within you. Seek for them and yourself that which the Lord promises…new life, be reborn in the joy and blessings of God’s grace and salvation.

I don’t know how to best help you, I don’t know what I can do to make your life better, I don’t even know what you most need from me. I do know that I love you with the love that Christ gives to us to share, and my strength, His strength, is yours.

I will always do my best for you, and help you in any way I can, in any way you ask. God bless you and keep you and yours safe.

Bull

 

03/01/10

12:01AM

Hey Bull!

How are you? I’m okay. I’ve got 40 more days left. This place is really starting to get to me. I miss Summer so bad I’m about to flip out!! Moma put time on my grandmothers phone so I probably have about 5 phone calls to talk to summer before I leave. God, I hope this month flies by! I am so sick of this place! Look if its affecting you getting me a car then don’t put anymore money on my books. I really need a car!! If you can just put a little more money on my books, just one more time, I will be okay. I appreciate everything you’ve done & it will not be forgotten. I do promise that!! I want a pack of Marlboro Lights so bad I can taste them. And I am craving Taco bell & pizza so bad I can’t stand it. I haven’t seen anybody for a week. They told moma that my visitation was taken. This place is like torture! You just don’t understand how bad it is. I’m ready to go to Cobb County for court, get back and get this over with. I need Summer in my arms so bad, that’s all I can think about. I have grown so close to God. I pray all the time! I’m ready to go to church with Moma Esther. I’m glad Summer goes with her. It’s good for kids to grow up in church. Ashley got an apartment with Jason Miller off of Iron Belt Rd., she’s finally out of Moma Esther’s house. I get a special visit this Tuesday. I get to see my brother since we were both locked up & were siblings we get a 20 minute visit together. So that’s cool!! My hand writing keeps getting sloppy & sloppier. We’re doing a Jericho Walk in here again. The Jericho walk is in the Bible in Joshua 6, if you wanna read about it. They have brought in at least 12 people or more in the past week. It’s crowded in here, bad!!

I have truly learned my lesson. I will not be back in this hell hole!!! I’m ready for a life change-seriously, this is no life!! I deserve better & can do better. I know this & I know I’m a great mother & a good person & I know that I will be so successful in this life. I love my life & I’m getting it back. My baby needs me & so does my unborn child. Wow just 40 more days. God be with me & let this fly by. I want to start school after I have this baby. I’m ready to make something of this life. I will talk to you & see you soon, hopefully. Love you!

-(heart)-always

Trista

 

2010-03-03

Dear Darling Trista:

I read you letter and leapt for joy to here you speak of your future with such strength and conviction. God will show you the way, and to hear you speak of church and your children, sweet little Summer going to church, how wonderful. I know that the Spirit will guide you and bless you, and you will become the woman I so clearly see when I look into your eyes. You are forgiven, you are reborn, and Jesus has you close to His heart and it waiting for you to walk with Him!

Now to the news…I was so disappointed not to see you Sunday! I put $50 in the commissary so that will answer a need in your letter. I’m still looking for a car for you, but I promise you’ll have a one on the 11th of April. Trust me. I don’t think I’ve ever lied to you, and if I did I was stupid! I will do my best and you will have wheels when you are freed!

I need to tell you the truth now about how I feel about you. I know so little about you that I feel foolish at times to be in love with you. I don’t know your favorite color, darkest secret, deepest hopes. I’m not sure I could name your favorite movie, recording artist, or favorite pair of jeans. It’s strange that we never really talked, that you never really needed to talk with me.

I want you to understand that I know being in love with you is impossible. I really do know that, and as much as I want to be the man in your life, that’s very unlikely to happen. I want to be honest so that you don’t feel awkward or think poorly of me for loving you.

Loving and being in love are different states. Happily, I possess both feelings toward you…I honestly and truly have grown to love you for the woman you are becoming, strong, self reliant, motivated, and able to love your children with a depth and commitment that is inspiring and so true to the bible’s teaching! I love you for having lived through many trials and hardships; I love you for understanding, before Summer’s birth, that you had to get right with God, to enjoy and cherish His gift of such a lovely, bright daughter. I have watched you mother your daughter, and seen the nurture and affection you have poured out on her.

You know what I think is remarkable, you’ll now have twice the love you had before, and you’ll cherish both your children! I am willing to bet that you’ll love all your children with the same passion as you love your first, and that, dear Trista, is why you are so special!

So you see, I will never stop loving you, nor will I ever fail to be your friend.

Being in love is different. For me it means praying for a miracle. To live with you everyday, to lay with you every night, to be your husband, the father to all your children, that would be too wonderful to ever expect it to occur. I know what you desire is very different from what I offer, and I want you to know that I understand, that I accept that you are young, vital and hoping to find a man much closer in age. It wouldn’t surprise me if you thought you didn’t need a husband…I never thought I needed a wife….but remember this, two together as one are stronger than ten alone, it’s the way God meant for us to live. I only wish I had realized this long ago. How many hearts have I broken, how will my Lord count me among His if I have lived in defiance of His way? When you find the right man, make a family, share your life and your love. Pray together and make decisions together and most of all, listen to each other. Share each other in the love of Christ, and those two children of yours will be blessed beyond belief! And more gifts from God will surely follow.

To tell you the truth, I though I’d have you 5 acres and a double wide by now; I told you that was what I was working for, and so far, I’ve been a total bust! Even now, business is so slow as to be nearly non-existent. I’m still working for the day that you can have your own home, and you and summer and your new baby are always on my mind. And if that means that I’ll be helping you and someone else…that’s OK…I’ll obey His will!

I needed to tell you how I feel; I don’t expect you to respond, I just wanted you to know how much I love and value you, Trista, and Summer, and what your friendship means to me. I did not want to hide my regard and love, but share it with you. There is no need for me to feel so awkward and foolish around you, and I hope you will be comfortable with my affection, which I promise to keep in check, as I always have.

When you said you wanted to go to school, I was so proud of you! Trista, you’ve got a fine mind, you just need to get serious and get motivated! You can work toward any goal you have, and you will succeed! What do you want to study? See, I told you, I know so little about you! But I know this, if you truly set your mind to it, you will do it. You rock girl! I’m glad you are going to see Wig! How’s he doing? I pray he loves Jesus as you do, I see your Mama Esther’s prayers at work, and I hope he’ll come out of this the better for it.

While I’ll continue to pray for my miracle, I’ll also continue to pray for you. I will ask the Lord to bless you, heal you and guide you to His purpose. You are so beautiful; you are among his chosen, he has blessed you with a wonderful daughter, with life within you, with an eternal future. I am so blessed to have met you. Find His way, and you will find your way, and yes, you are strong enough to follow His way through-out your life!

God Bless and keep you safe,

Bull

PS. I’ll check with Cobb County Friday 3/5…

 

03/03/10

EMERGENCY:

*Bull*

Hey! I had to hurry and write you to let you know what Ashley told me she heard 2 days ago. She was told that Brett’s mother put all my stuff that’s in his house on _________, on side of the road. Bull this really bothers me!! That’s all I have Bull! All the pictures of me & Summer. My sleigh bed, T.V. dresser with the mirror, Summer’s whole bedroom suit, Summer’s T.V., Summer’s dresser and toys. Everything I own. All my dishes & furniture.

Bull, please help me get my stuff. Please! I can’t do anything with me in here!! My phone is in my purse at Moma Esther’s. If someone can charge it & get Debbie ( Brett’s mom’s) phone number out of my phone & call & talk to her about this situation, that will be great. It’s her cell phone number. I also have a dresser that has three drawers in Brett’s moms garage on ______________ that has summers scrapbook & like 3 or 4 photo albums of all Summer’s pictures and also my jewelry. There’s more stuff there but that’s all I care about.

If you would please contact her & see if you can get my stuff for me & put it in my grandmother’s basement until I can get out & get my life situated. My grandmother’s number is __________ if you need to talk to her.

Thank you & I love ya!

(heart) Trista

 

3/22/10

Bull,

Hey! How are you? I’m good considering I only have 19 more days left! This has been pretty rough on me. I thank you for putting time on Moma Esther’s phone If you haven’t already then when you do tell her to go to Wal-mart & put pay-tel time on there. Tell her that Sonja can help her. She knows how, Thank you for everything, especially a vehicle. I’ve definitely been blessed with you & your help. Thanks also for the lawyer, you’re a lifesaver!! Well, I’ve finally received a letter from my brother. He’s doing well.

I’m gonna continue to do great when I get out! I’m gonna stay in church, take care of my babies, spend time with my family & work. So you don’t have to preach to me so much. Although I appreciate your concern. Oh, I’m sorry I had to cut our visit short. When you gotta go you gotta go!! Anyways sorry my letter is so short, I’m about to read. Keep in touch!

Love ya,

Trista

4/5/10

Bull,

Hey! I haven’t heard from you in a while & was wondering how you’re doing. I’m counting down the days ‘til I finally get to go home. I have 5 days left! Thank God!!! Summer is so excited. I hope you’re not mad at me. I don’t know what’s going on. There’s sure no reason to be mad. Sonja & all the kids (Summer, Maddi & Brooklyn) came to see me for easter that’s why I had to ask you not to come. Sorry if you were offended!!! Well, I’m so ready to walk out of here. Summer & me are excited about shopping for her some summer clothes & also shopping for the baby. I’ve obviously got to start all over. I have nothing. Well, I will call your phone when I go home. Of course it won’t be after midnight & I’ll be at church the next day so I will call you after that. Thought I would touch base with you before I go home. Thanks for all you’ve done for me & God bless you!

(heart) Trista

 

I included no commentary on the letters between TT and I in the Article, Letters to and From the Bartow County Jail, because I feel the letters themselves are self-explanatory. Another post, “She called me Daddy’ written in May 2009 ( I can prove that is the date if you like) sheds light on my state of mind after you so abruptly dismissed me. My mental state was horrible enough when you insisted that our relationship was a fantasy in 2008, injured again when you and TT conspired against me in the conference call incident, became worse when I came to your physical defense with Jeff, and was utterly destroyed when after Easter 2009, you again went back to Jeff.

It doesn’t matter that you had good reasons for all your actions, what matters is that you made me aware of the emptiness of my life, and then fled, leaving that void. I fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you, but had no idea how or why or what that meant. I just knew you were what I wanted, you had what I wanted, a family to love and cherish. I have admitted in other correspondence that our relationship would have been a disaster, and I have acknowledged my total lack of understanding, at that time, of the meaning of “love” within the context of our relationship.

When I came to your aid the night of your accident, I told you I had these written lyrics, “I have marriage on my mind, you have divorce on yours.”   When you arrived back from the hospital, I was in a hopeful mood, wanting so much to tell you what your love meant to me. You, without hesitation, attacked me, excoriating me over my “relationship” with Trista, and you stated quite frankly that you did not feel the same way about me as you once did.

In that moment, all illusion was vanquished, all hope ended. I realized that you no longer loved me, and apparently never would again. That liberating act set me free to explore who I really am, and also, to discern if my actions with Trista were in retaliation, or directed in anger, at you.

I suddenly had to confront my anger, which is substantial toward you, and allowed that such as you alleged was possible. Your calm cold allegation was that I had somehow played Trista to get at you, hurt you; and perhaps in doing so had hurt Trista.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I despaired of you, of the loss of your love in the month’s following Easter 2009. It’s true I had, while her roommate, desired to sleep with TT, but not to hurt or punish you, but because she is a very beautiful woman. The fact is I became her roommate to be near to you. Was I foolish in thinking that, yes. I had hoped that you would find moments when you would slip over and we would make love. It never happened; well once, when I furtively, hurriedly went down on you, right before Christmas 2008. I can not tell you how bittersweet that moment was, because all you gave me was your body, not your heart, and I knew it. I hated myself for whoring you, I still find it pitiable that I would allow you to take such measure of me as to make me just another fuck.

Easter came, you ex was gone, so I thought, the lease was over, TT was shacking up with the flavor of the year, and I met your family. The Easter egg hunt, the dinner in big building, all your relatives, I thought you had changed your mind, but as I think back on it, you didn’t act like I was  anyone special to your family, I was just a friend. What must they have thought of me, if they thought anything at all.

TT called me that May, she was upset with Brett; we talked for a long time. I didn’t talk to her again until just before Christmas, 2009. During our conversation, she actually said she needed to get pregnant to have someone to take care of her. I latter realized she was asking me if I wanted to be the father, but I didn’t understand, and I was angry because she had hidden her relationship with Brett from me, even as I tried to help her the previous fall.

That night, the night you came home from the hospital, the night I held your children, put them to bed, cleaned your kitchen, cleaned your room; the night I thought you might finally realize what you meant to me, you called me when in need; the night after the day, the weeks,  you were sleeping with Mark, a man you told me “I don’t love Mark,” that  night you savaged me.

You brought up the fact that I saw Trista at work dancing nude, that I gave her money, that I wanted to take her home, all of which was true, but not to fuck her!  First, she invited me to come see her, and, second, and this is hurtful, she is awful, she is awkward and stiff, and holds the pole like a pillar. She couldn’t dance worth a damn. She didn’t know I was there for an hour watching her, feeling sorry for her, and when the rednecks started pandering after her, and when I knew full well she needed the money, I did pay her to dance, over a $100, but I never once desired her, or wanted to fuck her, or do anything but drive her home, and encourage her to find other work. She was dancing at a cheap dive, she was pretty enough to make money, but she had no real talent or taste for dancing nude.

And as far as wanting her, wasn’t you who said to me she was one of two women you’d do, and wouldn’t a threesome be interesting. Or have you forgotten that?  The other was some dark-haired girl in your class.

When I next spoke to Trista, she and Brett had broken up, she was pregnant, and she needed help. She called me, and I responded, and spent the afternoon with her and Ashley, and I told her to turn herself in to the sheriff, the fat ass who lived in stone gate, and who was also at the strip club, along with another cop, the night I watched her dance. She didn’t want to surrender until after Christmas so she could spend Christmas with Summer. I gave Ashley gas money and didn’t hear from Trista again. Ashley called me several days before I wrote Trista the first letter.

Then, it got interesting. I had been working on my daddy/husband skills, really putting myself through the wringer, hoping, with God’s help to find a family to love, to care for, to be with, and suddenly there was Trista, pregnant with a child that could have been mine, and here I was on my knees praying to God to find my way.  Read her letters to me, she said she loved me, she said it convincingly, she shared  her hopes and fears. I put $50 on her books every few weeks, I hired her a lawyer, $1500, and worked to mitigate her punishment for shoplifting with Brett at 6 flags. I arranged to buy a Town and Country van for her, even worked out payments with a private seller and put a $1000 down, and to what purpose? She laughed! She wouldn’t drive a fuddy-duddy  old van! I lost half the down payment, and I realized that her affections were fickle; still, I cared for her in jail, and if she had wanted me, I would have married her, I would have been happy to help her become the woman she could be, and raise those kids just like I was their biological dad, with love and tenderness and deep affection.

But I can’t compete with the alcoholic mother who wanted to fuck me first night she met me; the tentacled moma Esther who holds her children way too close, the needy relatives, the numberless cousins,  the fast doped crowd, and most of all, you. She wouldn’t betray you. She couldn’t do it. After all,  you told me how she said she’d never fuck me, or marry me,  but you knew why, she and you had talked about it. Everyone gave her advice, not that old man! Not Bull!, He’s weird, he’s stuck-up, he’s crazy. None of you even knew, or did you know, that for a little while, just a little while, she could have fallen in love with me.

I never did anything to hurt you, I respect you, admire you, but Marhonda, you don’t want a man, you won’t let anything that is attracted to you hold you because you have to be in control, you have all the answers. Well, guess what, so did I, and look what it got me..

A tee-shirt that says “I’m one of many Marhonda lovers”

Trista and you can both go to hell, I’ll get there first and save y’all a seat. Damn, actually you’ll both go to heaven and I will go to hell…

One other thing, so you can gloat, I’ll never get over you, and I’ll never stop loving you, but what the hell does that matter to you.

Oh yes, I would have been happy making a family with Trista, I would have read the Bible every night, and prayed with her, and made crazy love to her, got up with Summer & Blaine when they were sick, brought her breakfast in bed every day, and had more kids with her and worked at making an honest living…and in time, I would have come to love her just as much as I love you, but apparently I don’t even deserve such happiness.

And now I will watch you from afar, proud to know you, praying to the God you know exists, that He watch over you, and bring you His peace and fulfillment. I want nothing but happiness for you, and I truly hope you’ll find it. God Bless you, God keep you, He and I have such hopes for your future. You are remarkable, special, and ever so dear to me.

Selah

 

 

It was not true

The text message was simple, direct.

“I don’t know why you are acting weird. sometimes I think instead of a friend, you need a Greek chorus…I was still going to have lunch with you but you are being kind of “freaky” Wed, Mar 9 10:09AM

“Freaky.” “Freaky, Freaky…Freaky?”  Was the worst day of my life, the worst day of this century, the worst day I could ever imagine, to her just “freaky.” Was that day, the day I realized I might lose the most precious gift that had ever been given, or that I had already lost it, best described as freaky?

You may have heard about those days when a revelation overpowers you, like in a cartoon when a light bulb appears over the head of a befuddled character and suddenly, poof! It illuminates, it gets bright: it burns with a comic truth. The character’s face glows, the answer seems apparent, the story moves on.  Well, so will I.

An epiphany on Ash Wednesday. Lent begins and something must be given up.  How about true love; if I give up true love for Lent will that make amends for all the false love, the guile and deception, the wining and dining, the clever phrase, the cheap romance, the stolen virtue my of so many women. Will I be forgiven by all those stolen hearts of the past, by all the women I saw as objects of my vainglory, my corporeal satisfaction? Or even should I be forgiven?

My last chance for absolution began four years ago in a remodeled room at the Acworth Holiday Inn Express . Before me lay the most beautiful of all flowers, a southern narcissus, the rarest of all of blooms. Not to wax poetically, but in the fading afternoon sun that stole past the drawn curtains, that tinged her curled brunette locks with red-gold fire, she could as well have been Shulammite laying on Solomon’s couch:

“My dove, my perfect one, is only one,  the darling of her mother, flawless to her that bore her”

The woman-child I speak had been a friend of just a few months. A courtship of mutual admiration had evolved, a kiss stolen among the inventory stacks, another given in return, a grasping at once thought lost tendrils of emotion, an emerging awareness of the softness of affection, the ripeness of desire long ignored. And as this blossom had brought color to my garden,  it seemed I had rekindled innocence in the damaged soul of this woman-child, that peculiarly southern phenomena of flesh and bone: the body of a woman, the naivete of a girl scout, a heart of gold, a spine of steel. Such women embody the spirit of Scarlett O’Hara and the mindset of Machiavelli. They are at once as tender as a spring shoot, as tough as sunburned skin. Our southern women are always experienced, but in the way of seeking the “right” experience. They are, above all women in America, profane, but never promiscuous. To me, this woman-child was a gift from God, Eve sent to save Adam, sent to breath life into Lazarus. They bring a proffered moment of truce between God and man, and damned is the man who spits in the eye of the almighty!I am such a man.

Before me was a virtuous woman who had made love with men since age fourteen, profane yes;  yet always she was virtue and intelligence seeking fulfillment, she was woman ever seeking harmony. In a scene lifted from a really bad Off Broadway play, I entered the lobby alone, and registered as a book salesman from Birmingham. She quietly slipped in a side door, and together we walked up the stairs to the second floor, where we rode the elevator to the fifth floor, and found the room. We entered without embracing. She was undressed and nude in a moment, and sliding into bed she drew the sheet up over her, covering her nakedness: she was nervous, bashful, hesitant and awkward.  As I slowly and purposefully undressed before her, she looked toward me and away, gazing and averting eye to eye contact, and managed nervous laughter . I made small talk, moved slowly, and neatly hanging my clothes on the wooden hangers that hooked to the chrome closet rod, I would turn to her frequently with a smile, but a smile with an jaded edge. After all, hadn’t I done this a hundred times, seduced the eager, quieted the fearful, satisfied the insatiable. The fact that I was much older, thirty years older, only made me more certain of the pleasure I would enjoy, and more certain that I teach her unforgettable lessons of lovemaking. I joined her in bed, peeled the sheet off her flawless skin and in a moment forgot all pretense of reserve. How incredibly beautiful she was! Every feature of her countenance was radiant, how perfectly had God created every curve and flat and mound of her body.

To be honest, it had been ten years since I had felt anything resembling true passion, since another young narcissus and I had parted ways, and in that passing decade making love to older women had merely gratified the senses, merely served to relieve both the boredom of the day and the tension of hunt. In that decade, I had become a more mordant and moribund soul. A death grip had choked most life from me years before, the grip of my own hand punishing me for my sins. Strangely, and this is all I will say about that: I never learned yesterday’s lessons, I never sought to change.

This woman-child, this exquisite creature before me, had in weeks snatched me back from my inexorable dissolution, from my impending doom, from the well deserved ill-ending of life earned by the conceit of intelligence, the arrogance of power, and the exploitation of weaker men. Women were always the salve of my darkened soul, enjoyed, abused, used, the meat of my table, the meal of my soul. Deceived, blinded, tricked into enjoying their own abuse, their next morning’s epiphany exclaimed to an empty bed.  So many women, hunted, trapped, raped of respect, denied dignity even as they writhed and moaned in pleasure; even as their tender flesh tore; the pretense of evolution and enlightenment snuffed out by the gushing fountains of carnal seizures. Why was this fragrant rose any different? I had planned to enjoy the feast, to drink of her saliva and sweat, to rasp my tongue across her engorged buds, to kneed her rounded mound, and to lick the honey from her petaled lips until her sweetness turned to salt spray. And then mounting with ferocious thrusts, leave her satisfied in a very empty, sad way.

What, you don’t recognize the brute, you don’t recognize the bitch? Oh gentle women, oh men of great sensitivity, do you not see the shadows of the cave? Have you, you civilized consorts, in but a few thousand years forgotten the million years of our journey from walking on all fours, to dragging knuckles, to those upright strides up your beloved’s paving stones? Those shadows in the cave show victorious men mounting the women of the defeated; women bent on knees, arms akimbo, faces in pressed the clay, living only if the men sought them to carry their spawn.  Can you not hear the cracking sound of club to skull as your paternal ancestors, chose who to bred and who to discard.

Not so now, you say, but isn’t that you losing yourself, losing control? Aren’t you both in the throes of, not real passion, but base primal excitation? Do you really love that woman laying beside you each night?  Would you die for her, or better yet, would you die for her children, if they were not yours? Excitement is not passion, possession is not love! Passion is the boundary between life and death, each evenly weighed. Passion is the balance between two evenly matched mirror images of the same soul; passion is the tension that tugs them together.  Love is the simple offering of self to another. Self is unqualified, self acting in the other’s best interest. Love between two selves is the melding of interest, the bond that binds, the joy of each other’s nature, the glory of shared interests, be they life, children, aging, wisdom or death. Passion and love are inseparable.

What do we call love without passion, what do we call sex without love? Is seduction different than rape, complicity in subjugation different than compulsion? Sex without passion and love should be criminal. Consent only makes legal what should be a crime of the heart.

There, in that tawdry but not cheap Holiday Inn Express, I knew at that moment, laying next to the most perfectly conformed woman I had ever beheld, a woman who had given birth to three children, a flawless woman, that I was in the presence of God. No, not the woman, she was not god; she was an ark, the perfect vessel meant to contain the most sacred gift of our Creator, the passion and love of a man and woman.

I knew at that moment that she was sacred. I drew back from her exposed body and laid up on the pillow and cradled her in my arms. Had she expected sex? She was after all, as married as I was, which is to say merely legally. I  asked her if she was okay with our illicit intentions, as we were both married, and the usual token sentiments and casual chatter that precede lust gave way to amusement, understanding and an inchoate trust. Words fell from her lips breaking the seal of hidden intimacy, revealing the profound secrets of her life. She talked of her marriage to a man she loved but who had become a drug addict, and abusive husband, and apathetic father. She told me of his abuse. Then, amazingly, she poured out the detail, dates, even the names of every man with whom she had ever slept.  I reached for the bedside pad and pen and we wrote down the names of them in order, even counting those that she left and later returned to. With bravado, she shared her conquests, with innocence she giggled like a school girl, with honesty she withheld no secret. These secrets were the first of many gifts she gave me which I misunderstood. I wish now I had rose from the bed. I wish now that I had treasured the trust she shared with me. I wish now that I had for once done the right thing.  If I had, we would have found a way to be married now, and this story would be unwritten. I did not do the right thing, I had long ago forgotten what that would have been.

Making love to this woman was divine.

“Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your kisses like the best wine”

How did I let that most perfect moment of my life, that most intimate moment of both our lives, lead to “Freaky?”

That, of course, is how I remember that afternoon.  But what of her thoughts, her feelings? Who knows what silent prayer rose from her lips, who knows if she even prayed. And why would anyone pray today?.  The chorus of prayer of the heartfelt and the heartsick; the entreaties of millions of prayer partners; the invocation of the power of prayer from pulpits near and far; who needs to mouth words and hope those small, silent whispered words are heard in the cacophony of begged blessings rising from the school rooms, board rooms, ready rooms and rest rooms of our conflated solipsism.

If not a prayer,  was there a dialectic between her trust and her fear, did she weigh the present moment, juggling between past and future? Was the moment just another day at the office, another scheme? In the four months since I had known her,  I found her to be intelligent, clever, controlling, easy in her manipulation of others. Was I just another guest at her dinner table, another phrase of her riddle? Was she in any way, the mirror of me? That couldn’t be. I had spent a life time in deliberate anguished self examination, in brutal comparison to others, playing out the game of  truth or consequences, patterning each possible outcome, collating events in a calender of numberless days until the distilled truth of human behavior was mine. This was real, this was an offering to share living, to become each other’s lover. This woman-child was cautiously giving me keys, asking my help to unlock her life.

Am I the only sentient being that understands that ambition, achievement, success are the children of fear?  Infants fear no nipple, children fear no limits, adults fear no love and once gained, fear its loss. You and I, we are fearful creatures, we have survived eons of harrowing days, driven only by fear. She feared intimacy, she was still corded to her life, to her children, to her family, even to her husband.  What did I fear? Elation, joy, happiness, love, passion, and most of all, myself. Which really was fearing nothing.

We rose from the bed, my eyes still following her. She had to shower to wash my scent off, to wash her scent off, and she had to dress so that her clothes were worn now as she had dressed that morning. Their had been no time for cuddling or napping or pleasantries, she had to be home, she lived on another’s clock, and seemed needy of keeping to it’s time.

We repeated our cautious path, leaving the elevator on the second floor, existing by the stairwell and side door. I do not recall that we kissed at her car, I do not recall that I felt anything but awe and fear, fear for her.

To be continued…

She came home from the hospital. Can you believe she  fell of of a bicycle, and bruised her pelvis? Can you believe she paid $170 for a bike at Walmart? Can you believe she bought a bicycle? She remains amazing. She bought it so she could go biking with her children. She remains amazing, transforming her life, becoming something different than what she was.

I missed her text messages:

“I had an accident on my bike. my son screwed with the gears and I hit my privates on the bar. Wanna go to the er but momma doesn’t wanna take me…”                                              Sat, Mar 12 6:36PM

“TT said she would meet me there but meleze is gone to the legion and momma won’t watch the kids”                                                                                                                                  Sat, Mar 12 6:48PM

“It feels like needles are stabbing me down there.”                                                                     Sat, Mar 12 6:49PM

Three times she reached out to me, three times I failed to answer. I read the messages two hours later. I called her. she was at the hospital with her mother. Her sister was taking care of the kids, although that didn’t seem clear. I told her I’d come now, but she said she didn’t need me. I could tell she was in pain. I helped my mother to bed at 9PM and  left for Cartersville.

“I’m on the way to the ER…”

“No, it’s ok.”

“We are back here now and it shouldn’t take long.”

“Hey, I want to come. If he is there, I’ll turn back. if not, see you soon. Love you”

“He’s not here. I haven’t even told him.”

I arrived at the hospital. She had been taken back, she was in Room 3, “Third on the left down the hall”  Her mom was with her. Her mom is the one constant in her life, the one certain loving generous…well, she’s a great mom.  She quickly told me her sister had left the children at her cousins. She asked me if I would go pick them up, and of course, I went.

I got the boy and girl home, and ready for bed.  The boy, he’s in kindergarten, he asked me to fix him a bowl of vanilla ice cream. I did. He then started vacuuming. The girl, she’s in first grade, she began by asking me if I loved her mother, I said I did. She said that her mother didn’t love me anymore, that I was too old, and that I wouldn’t be coming back. Her conversation referred to the events of a previous week-end.  I told her I was happy to help her mommy, that she was well, and would be home soon.  The boy played himself out; he’s such a boy, never still, always afoot, climbed into the top bunk, and fell asleep. The girl, she and I sat on the couch and talked for a while, about the earlier subject and about school, her boyfriend, church, and reading. She is the animated image of her mother, what a wonderful little girl she is. I hadn’t put a little girl to bed for 35 years. I sang her the same little song, and “petted”her back, and she fell fast asleep.

To be continued…